The Pretender

Like a thorn, you can see the pain.
But to feel it, you have to prick yourself with it.
So does loneliness.
You see the horror of being alone....but to feel it,

you have to let loneliness engulf you.....
slowly choking your life away.

~~~*~~~

She always knew....there is something wrong with her.
Something that always make her feel as if....
she stuck out like a sore thumb in a crowd.

A feeling she could never shrug off. It sticks onto her like a bubblegum.
She ignores it....but it pierces her insistently.
The voice in her head never ceased to remind her that she will always remain alone.
Lonely.
A recluse.

Because of that, she vows to grow accustom to solitude.

She trusts no one....
because she doesn't trust herself to open the door to her heart for others to enter
because she fears that they would dislike her and leave her
because she fears that everyone isn't what they seemed to be
because she fears that everyone is like her....

a pretender.

Hypocrite?
Nay, she won't acknowledge that title because it sounds more....negative.
She considers people who pretend with bad motives, are hypocrites.
Not her.
She's just confused.
Torn between portraying her true self...and her fake self.

She's never close to anyone because she fears their perceptions of her.....especially when they notice her two sides.
However, she believes everyone has a hidden dark side, only waiting silently in the dark to pounce out.

Who will win?
Her dark side....her true self?
Or her angel side....her fake self?

Neither.
They took control over her alternately.

When her dark side reigns, she will ponder:

'No. This is wrong. I shouldn't be selfish and cruel. Why do I feel despise towards everyone? Oh, no....this is unacceptable behaviour! It's not considered morally upright.'

Thus, her dark side gives in to her angel side. Still, she ponders. But different thoughts this time:

'Do I always have to do whatever that is considered morally upright in the eyes of the society? Is this really me? Why am I doing all these.....pretending to be a good, kind-hearted person when deep down inside I'm actually a rotten selfish good-for-nothing person? To get attention? Gain respect?!
Wait. Why am I having all these thoughts? Is it because of my low confidence?

She sinks deeper and deeper into confusion...
though pretending is the only thing she's capable of doing flawlessly.

She pretends to be happy, when in fact she's caving in inside.
She pretends to be sincere and trustworthy, when in fact, she feels like turning her back on them.
She pretends to be committed and devoted, when in fact, she feels burdened and stressed out.
She pretends to be a leader, when in fact, she is quite clueless about being a leader.
She pretends to be funny, when in fact, she has no sense of humour.
She pretends to be a lonesome, when in fact, she's reaching out for a caring sincere person.

She doesn't even know herself anymore.
How could anyone else understand her?!

Is she a pretender?
Or does she just pretend to be one?

Is she simply thinking too much?
Or is she losing her mind....going crazy?

Maybe she suffers from multiple personality disorder. Is that possible?





CAN ANYONE HELP HER?